Coffee substitute

I often hear people say they don’t function well before the first coffee of the day. I don’t drink coffee, but I’ve just discovered, far too late in life, that if I dabble in doggerel when I first sit down at my desk in the morning, I can tackle whatever else is on the agenda in much better spirits and possibly with more of my mind on deck. The last couple of mornings I’ve been playing with telling a story, provisionally called ‘The Apology’, in ottava rima. I’ll probably keep going with this, but since I’ve been falling behind in my blogging, here’s what I’ve got so far:

I sing of Alan perched behind his mike
who speaks for those who listen by the phone
and feel they’re powerless, know what they don’t like
and come to him with hope that he’ll atone
for what they’ve suffered, stopper up the dyke
of what assails them, be their megaphone.
Oh, he obliges, takes their bitter cries
and amplifies truths, misperceptions, lies.

Pink with righteous anger he declaims
that those in power mostly get it wrong
(except of course his friends and those whose names
he’s paid to praise, but that’s a different song).
He fearlessly attacks, he mauls, he maims,
wreaks bloody vengeance for his listening throng.
I speak, of course, in violent metaphor.
He’s not a man to wade in literal gore.

He helps the sick, and pleads the poor man’s case,
has thirty godsons, backs a worthy cause
or two, and then stirs up his talkback base
to hate not policies but people, pause
for news and ads (that’s dollars he must chase)
then on to Greens and Gillard, clenching jaws,
women who destroy the joint. He goes:
‘Jew-liar’, ‘climate science is on the nose’ …

He urges louts to take Cronulla back
from vermin who infest its virgin sands
but when the flag-draped rioters attack
with baseball bats, he’s quick to wash his hands.
‘The PM should be dropped at sea!’ – a crack
he gleefully repeats. Thank God no bands
of bagmen do his bidding. Then one night
he goes too far and lands up in the shite.

11 responses to “Coffee substitute

  1. nataliekosta

    This is sharp and witty.

  2. I enjoyed that coffee! But not strong enough!

  3. Kathy Gollan

    A wonderful poem most cheering. Hooray for ottava rima, whatever that is. Looking forward to the rest.

  4. What are you – a female muslim climate change scientist or artist or something living in Marrickville or Annandale or SOMEWHERE? This is tipical of the sort to LEFTIST garage, sorry, GARBAGE aimed at a poor little radio show host who can’t defend himself by publishing poetry nearly as witty as yours! Shame on u! There is a chaffbag waiting for you too darling!

  5. Thank goodness for Richard’s take – do we call this balance!

    No – really – perfect summation Jonathan – I liked your take on the whole thing! But some more follow-up ottava rima verses please! (from NYC)

  6. Libby Gleeson

    Love it Jonathon – keep going! Also loved Malcolm Turnbull this morning. Libby

  7. Pingback: The Apology, part 2 | Me fail? I fly!

  8. Thanks, guys. I’ve just put up part two. It’s becoming an obsession: I sit and watch television thinking, ‘What rhymes with unacceptable?’

  9. Hardly anything rhymes with unacceptable. Rhymes are almost imperceptible.